As I was waiting for my coffee to brew this morning, I scrolled through my newsfeed on Facebook, getting caught up on the latest Grumpy Cat memes and status updates. I stumbled across a post a friend of mine shared regarding forgiveness. More precisely, unforgiveness and how it can affect every aspect of our lives.
I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately and am not really sure how to go about forgiving my ex. It seems like every post on Facebook or scene in a movie that pertains to marriage or anniversaries or break ups just send me into a fit of rage to white hot I fear I might explode. Or take off like a rocket into space which might actually be cool.
So how do I go about forgiving someone that hurt me so badly? I feel like my insides have been ripped out and stuffed back in all backwards. When his name pops into my head I snarl and shove it off to the side. Or fantasize about him crawling back to me and I stare at him and tell him no way in hell are we ever reconciling this time. And the really sad part? He probably doesn’t even think about me at all. I bet he’s just counting the days until the divorce is final so he can go out searching for the new perfect wife that will be everything I wasn’t. I think that’s the hardest part of all. How can you forgive someone that doesn’t care that they threw away 13 years together like it was nothing?
What does it mean to forgive anyway? Is it just saying the words, “I forgive you” and off you go? Is it something done in person (never gonna happen as I don’t ever want to see his face ever again) or just in your mind? Does it mean you have to wish good things for them in their future? Cuz….uumm…no. At this point, I don’t wish anything good for him. I hope he is miserable for the rest of his life and looks back on leaving me as the biggest mistake he ever made. I hope he marries a woman that cheats on him and leaves him because she doesn’t think he’s good enough. I hope he dies alone and miserable and regretting leaving the woman that was the best he could ever hope to get. Hey, if you’ve been reading my posts, you know about my temper. I can’t help that this is the way I feel. I’m being honest here.
If forgiving means that we have to be friends again or that I have to pray for him to have major blessings, then I’m just not ready to do that yet. And I don’t think I ever will be to that point. I truly believe that exes belong in the past. I am not friends with any of mine, I don’t see them, don’t talk to them, don’t pine over them, don’t have secret relationships with them, don’t keep pictures of them (and yes, the ex hubby did all of this). I put my exes behind me and got to a point where I didn’t think about them. And if I did, I didn’t have any feelings of hate or regret. Not saying I had warm fluffy feelings either. It was indifference. I have run into several of them over the years and I just gave a small smile, much like you would do if you saw a stranger, and never looked back.
And that’s the best case scenario for me and the ex. No hugs, no reminiscing, no chit-chat. There will be nothing, as if we never spent time together. Does that make me sad? Of course it does. So much so that tears are spilling down my cheeks at this moment. But I wasn’t the one that chose to walk away. I fought for this marriage with everything I had. And it wasn’t enough.
So how do I forgive that? It’s horrible to be made to feel that you aren’t good enough, to have 13 years just tossed aside like garbage. And to not even hear a single, “I’m sorry”.
The post I spoke of earlier really hit home because I can see the changes happening in me that I don’t want to happen. I don’t want to be an angry bitter old lady that has walls up so high that no one stands a chance of ever getting into my heart again. Even if I get this whole forgiveness thing down, the walls will still be up, I can pretty much guarantee that. At this point, it seems impossible for me to even imagine being with someone else, to trust their words, to believe it when they say they love me. I fear there will always be a part of me that will question anything a man ever says to me. I will be suspicious of every little thing, worrying that he is messing around, wishing he was with someone else, regretting being with me.
The post ends with several verses from Scripture and a prayer at the end asking God to take the unforgiving spirit in your heart so you can heal. I felt better after reading this blog as it made me realize that the only person I am hurting is myself. I need to give myself the time to slowly get rid of the anger and regret by giving the feelings to God to take from me. I am not strong enough to do this on my own. I need the strength and grace of my Father in heaven to take this burden of unforgiveness and anger from me so I can be the person He wants me to be.
If you are dealing with the same issues (not necessarily the divorce part but the unforgiveness, anger, etc), then I urge you to read this post and find someone to talk with. We can’t do this alone. And the great news is, we don;t have to