I’m writing this post on little sleep and heavy emotions so just bear with me folks.
Last night I was playing Rock Band with my sis and brother-in-law (which was totally fun, by the way!). She picked a No Doubt song to sing. It was Don’t Speak.
The singer begs her man to don’t speak the words that will end their relationship because it just hurts too bad.
I can relate to that.
But it is really better to stick your head in the sand and pretend like everything is okay? When do you know the time to stop fighting and start accepting? How do you know when to fight and not give up?
My ex has made it pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. So what good would it do for me to keep fighting when he’s given up? A relationship can’t be one-sided. Seems like it would be an ego boost for him and an exhausting and worthless waste of time for me. And yet I can’t help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had refused to let him leave, if I insisted on more/different counseling, if I kept pestering him, told him I’d never give up even if he did, told him I’d love him forever, blah blah blah.
Nothing I could have or could choose to do will change the plain and simple fact: he doesn’t want me.
God, typing those words still cuts like a knife. But it’s the truth: He. Doesn’t. Want. Me. And he never will. No matter what I do or what I say. And that’s the shitty truth of it all that I have to face. Oh, it might hurt less if I pretend there’s some glimmer of feeling for me in his cold, black heart but all I’m doing is prolonging my healing.
We always hope that when we find that special person that they will return the feelings but the fact is there are times (probably more often than not) when the other person is simply settling, perhaps thinking that you are the best they can get or that you are okay for now but in their mind they have already given themselves a way out by knowing they will leave you some day when they get tired of you.
But it isn’t as easy for the one that actually loves unconditionally to let go so quickly. We take the good with the bad so even when we are treated like crap, the feelings are still there.
Or maybe it’s because I tend to see the good rather than the bad. My ex only saw doom and gloom everywhere he looked. So he could never look past my faults to see my good qualities. He fixated on the negative for so long he ended up hating me by the end. But even though I am angry and hate my ex for throwing me away like a piece of trash, I still remember the good times. I see something cool and think to myself, “He would have thought that was neat.” Believe me, I can’t wait until I can shut that voice up for good. Because until that happens, I’ll never be ready to let someone else in.
So for this girl, I am smart enough to realize that holding on is en exercise in futility. And I refuse to lessen who I am just to keep a man.