Had an amazing opportunity to meet a fellow writer and friend, Christina Esdon, in Denver Monday before her flight back home to Canada. I took off Sunday afternoon and drove the four hours to my sister’s house in Littleton. And that’s when it hit me…
People going through emotional turmoil shouldn’t be alone in the car for four hours. *sigh*
Even with awesome music blaring and having to focus on driving through torrential downpours most of the way, my brain Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Thinking. Normally this isn’t a bad thing. I think of what I’m going to be teaching the next day, new story ideas, working through plot lines, going through dialog in my head. But since the divorce, all I can think of is the life I wanted so badly now flushed down the toilet. Being alone with one’s thoughts can sometimes really suck.
Seems like all I do is think about what could have been, what SHOULD have been, if only my ex had been a truthful, non-judgmental, loyal, loving husband. My happily ever after didn’t include cheating and negativity directed at me and my family every waking minute of every day, and it certainly didn’t include two separations, the last of which finally ended in divorce. I try to imagine what the future will bring but I get swept back into the maelstrom of negative and unhappy thoughts that strive to make sense of all this…CRAP that my life has now become. That’s not to say that there haven’t been moments of happiness thrown in these last few months but as soon as I am alone with my thoughts once again, the swirling downward spiral starts up again.
You know the one I mean. You start imagining your ex with someone else and you want to find a sharp object and stab them in their cold. black heart. You picture them talking about you and laughing at how easy it was to keep you hanging on. A scene enters your mind of how you would react should you run into your ex with his new woman and exactly what you would say to just rip them to shreds and make them feel like pieces of shit which is exactly how your ex made YOU feel when he walked away without a single glance back. Maybe you even imagine him coming crawling back and you let him have it, listing every single reason why you would never in a million years allow him back in your life and walk away while he sits there blubbering in a pile of useless man-flesh. Then there’s the confrontation with his family or perhaps his friends, asking how you can be so mean to poor little innocent ex who was just trying to be happy and isn’t that what we all deserve. So you lay into them and remind them that Mr. Saint isn’t as innocent as he makes out to be and you explain in detail everything they did to cause you unimaginable hurt and you delight as you watch their faces fall when they realize that their perfect angel is really a devil in disguise. My personal favorite is the one where you catch the ex in an all out lie and get to watch them squirm while you reveal the truth of who they really are to their new flame, friends, whatever. They have to finally stand and take responsibility for their actions.
Yeah, so being alone with your thoughts really sucks when going through a divorce. There’s just this endless parade of self-bashing, self-doubting, ex-bashing, ex-hating that goes on and on like a bad record. I really can’t wait until I get to the point where I can go a whole day without even thinking about him. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I wish him all the best. All I can see for now is indifference. I know that if I ever REALLY run into him I will simply ignore him and wish I had the courage to say what I really think of him right to his face rather than doing it here in this blog.
Not that it would matter anyway. He doesn’t care about me or what I think. So ignoring is obviously the best solution. Just walk away like I don’t even know him. And slowly, but surely, these bad feelings will fade into nothing. Not friendship, not caring about him or what he does, not his well-being. Just…nothing.