Got an email from the ex yesterday. He’s moving and just wanted to let me know, even went so far as to give me his new address (like I will ever use it), and to assure me he will give kitty the proper care (she has to be on a special diet to prevent bladder stones), and that he wishes me well, hopes I’m happy in my new house, and that he would like to talk to me because he doesn’t want to continue on like this for the rest of our lives (meaning no contact).
So let me get this straight: ex walks out on our marriage (and just to bring people up to speed this year was the 2nd time he’s left. I took him back after the first) because he doesn’t think I’m good enough and…what? He honestly thinks we can just be friends now??!!?? Hang out, have dinner, maybe introduce me to the new missus when she comes along??!!?? REALLY????
I am filled with so much incredulity and WTF-ness that I am not sure how to even collect my thoughts and present them in logical form but I’ll give it a damn good shot.
What is it with people that do the breaking up that they think the other party gives a rat’s ass that they wish them well? It’s so condescending as to be extremely hurtful. I don’t think it has anything to do with sincerely wishing the other person well. I think it has to do more with the person that did the dumping/divorcing.
*** It gives them ammo to use when around friends and family. They can look pitiful and remorseful and say “I have tried reaching out but she doesn’t want anything to do with me.” And the family/friends will tsk tsk and tell them that everything is fine and my, what a saint they are being, and they are so sorry they are going through this, and gee, isn’t your ex-wife (or husband if you’re on the other side of things)being such a bitch? Spare me.
***It gives them power and control. This is the real kicker. By reaching out to the other party, they get to exercise control, especially when they already know the other party is going to be hurt and angry at the contact. And what an ego boost if the other party AGREES to stay in touch! Especially if “staying in touch” means that there is sexual contact with no commitment. Forget that. I wasn’t good enough to be married to so why the hell am I all of a sudden good enough to spend time with? Seriously. F**ked up*.
***They want to lessen their guilt. If they can reach out to you and have you tell them everything is all good, then they can breathe that sigh of relief and release the guilt that has been plaguing them. Let’s not forget that THEY DID THE LEAVING in the first place! They don’t get to have it both ways. They do NOT get to run out on a relationship/marriage, destroy a family, crush someone’s heart and soul, then want contact afterwards. It’s twisted and sick and NOT normal and NOT okay.
So here’s a bit of advice folks. If you are the one that leaves a relationship behind, don’t do what my ex has done. Don’t send them a note on your anniversary thanking them for all the shit they did for you. Don’t wish them well and hope they are super happy. Just…don’t. Even if you really really really do hope they are okay, just keep it to yourself. Trust me, you will only make things worse. If you EVER truly cared for the person you are about to destroy with your actions, then make a clean break and allow them to heal. You owe them THAT much.
And for the love of all things holy don’t drag it out! My ex had obviously been unhappy with me for many years but he kept me dangling on the line. Have the balls (or lady parts) to end it when you begin having the feelings of unhappiness/anger/resentment/etc. Dragging things out just makes things worse and just confirms that you are a total and complete a-hole jerk-off. If you want to try counseling, fine and dandy but make sure you are doing it because you truly want to not because everyone else in your life (friends/family/church) is pressuring you to do it (which is what I think happened the first time he left). Ending a marriage/relationship is hard but lying to your significant other for years just to keep them cleaning your house/cooking/giving you money/the sex/whatever is just plain selfish and cruel.