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Me + Coffee Table + Spider = Disaster


After reading the hilarious post by my writer buddy, Nikki McCormack, I just HAD to post about the time I broke through the top of a coffee table trying to kill a wolf spider.

Seriously, true story.

If you don’t know what a wolf spider looks like, take a gander. They’re the most terrifying thing on the planet. Except for the Australian funnel web. That SOB should be nuked and taken off the face of the Earth. There is no good reason by everything holy that a spider should have 1/4 inch long fangs and run at you trying to suck your face off. Just sayin’

Anyway, while living in Aurora, CO, I was introduced to the wolf spider.They can get damn big and they are damn scary. Especially when they’re in the house. Isn’t that funny how that works out? When they’re outside, they don’t seem nearly as intimidating.

We lived in a tri-level house with the main floor housing the living room, kitchen, dining room; top floor with two bedroom and a bathroom; lower floor with family room, bedroom, bathroom/laundry room). I had a glass of water and headed down the stairs to the family room. Directly in front of me was the coffee table, meaning that I had to usually navigate around it to the right to get to the couch. Along the right hand wall, there was a lovely electrical fireplace that provided both ambiance and warmth during those harsh snowstorms we had years back.To the left of the coffee table was the big long couch but I preferred to sit on the one directly opposite the TV so it was to this couch I was heading that fateful day.

As I was getting ready to walk around the coffee table, a gargantuan wolf spider scuttled out from underneath the coffee table and pressed it’s hairy body against the edge of the electric fireplace. Well, I can tell you, I shrieked like a girl at a Jonas Brothers concert and nearly spilled my water. I think I may have ran in place trying to rid myself of the ooky feeling those 8-legged critters leave me with.

I was barefoot, or else I would have stomped that bastard into oblivion. There was literally nothing within reach for me to use. I considered running back up the stairs to grab a shoe or perhaps a grenade launcher,Β  but the thought of losing sight of the spider left me frozen in place. I simply couldn’t do it. What if the bugger slunk away and hid under the couch, waiting for my tender ankles to make their appearance.? I’d never know, don’t you see?

I was running out of options. Suddenly, I spotted the toe of one of my tennis shoes peeking from beneath the coffee table, just in front of the couch I so longed to sit on. I could clearly remember kicking them off after taking my morning run! I was saved! Slowly, so as not to frighten the beast, I sat my water cup down in the top of the fireplace and made to creep along the left side of the table.

Oh CRAP!

I backed up, realizing that the table now blocked my view of the offending arachnid. Now what the hell was I going to do? Let me tell you I was nearly in hysterics by now.

Then like a flash of lightning it hit me!

Just go across the coffee table!

I couldn’t believe this didn’t occur to me sooner. I’d be able to keep the spider in my sight and be safe from it’s gleaming little fangs (I swear I could actually see the venom dripping from them by this point).

I gingerly stepped up onto the coffee table and began making my way to the other side when suddenly, the table gave way! I shrieked, reaching a fumbling hand forward, desperately trying to grab the laces of my shoe, blubbering for God to keep me safe for just a few more seconds. With shoe in hand, I laid into that spider like it was the devil himself. When I was done with it, there was only a large splotch and I think maybe a tiny piece of one of its legs.

Now, in walks my husband. He heard the commotion and wondered what the hell was going on. And there I was, triumphant smile on my face, wielding my spider-killing shoe (which I thereafter called ArachnoKiller), standing in the space left by the piece of plywood that had fallen with me on it.

See, our coffee table wasn’t a solid piece of wood. The edges were nice and sturdy, as was the middle piece. There were two pieces of plywood stapled to the bottom of the table, leaving the top with two small areas where you could glue ceramic tiles or something to make it all pretty. Everything was all good as long as I was standing on the solid wood. But as soon as my weight hit the plywood, the staples gave way and the piece of wood went straight down, leaving my standing in the middle of the empty hole.

When one is in the grip of fear, one isn’t exactly thinking rationally. It isn’t my fault. Really.

Well, Rich took one look at me, heard me mumble the word “spider”, turned to go back into the garage to get the stale gun.

So the moral of the story?? Always have a weapon handy in case of emergency!

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34 Comments on “Me + Coffee Table + Spider = Disaster”

  1. cpbialois May 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, didn’t mean to laugh. ::cough:: That reminded about when my friend was hunting, spotted a 6 inch garter snake that was trying to run and hide under a piece of board. My friend, being the great white hunter he was, chased it and incinerated it with both barrels of his shotgun. In the 20 years I’ve known him, the snake has grown to be a foot long and a possible rattlesnake. Now, excuse me while I snicker some more. πŸ™‚

    • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

      ROFLMAO!!!!! That sounds just like the stories we tell about or deer and elk at hunting camp πŸ˜€

      • cpbialois May 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

        LOL oh yeah. He always gives me a nasty look whenever I tell anyone about it. The best part was originally he said it was a rattlesnake and was a foot long. It took some coaxing, but his brother told me it was a 6 inch garter snake that he chased and blew apart. Gotta love the brotherly bond there. Of course the snake grows a few inches every year…

        • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

          Give it a year and it’ll be an anaconda that had him in its coils…

          • cpbialois May 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

            LOL True. I may have to call him later to make sure he’s alright. πŸ™‚

            • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

              Bwahahaha! I’m reminded of the Shel Silverstein poem about being eaten by a boa constrictor

  2. neyska May 10, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    LOL! That’s awesome. Thanks for the laugh (and for the link). Do you still have that shoe? πŸ˜‰

    • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

      Alas, ArachoKiller didn’t survive the move to Grand Junction and had to be put down (and by down, I mean the trash can)

  3. hmcmullin May 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    That’s funny! I don’t think rationally when it comes to spiders, either. When I went to a training course in DC, there was a huge fuzzy spider (looked like a wolf spider with mold) that moved in under my typewriter case which I had on the floor next to my desk. I was afraid to move it for three months. When I got ready to leave, I got a broom and stuck it under the case handle to move it. No spider. Blasted thing moved out before I did.

    • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      Whew! I think the case would have been still sitting there if that would have been me!

  4. Laird Sapir May 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    Ha! That’s awesome. I don’t mind spiders (I mean, I don’t love them) but I am TERRIFIED and IRRATIONALLY SKEEVED out by roaches. And here in Louisiana, we have no shortage of cockroaches (which are huge, 2″ long suckers that WILL NOT DIE.)
    I hope your coffee table wasn’t done for after that! πŸ™‚ Thanks for the laugh, Shay!

    • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

      Nope! Hubby turned her over, stapled the plywood back into place, and she was as good as new πŸ˜€

    • shayfabbro May 10, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

      They just gross me out!!! Blergh

  5. Barbara Forte Abate May 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    I know that if I wasn’t so heebie jeebie skeeved by this horrifying nightmare of a story I’d be hooting with hilarity. But a frightful mighty fanged creature like this is no laughing matter. Pity about the coffee table, but hey–casualty of war!

  6. violafury May 10, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

    Thanks for the giggle, Dr. Fab.,

    Very funny and oh so true; we just dealt with an invasion of tiny mice; more later in my horror at that raid! Thank you, thank you, thank you for pointing me to Neyska. Enjoyed her classifications of arachnids, and 8-legged walking death-zombies, as well. You are both seriously funny ladies!

    Mary

    • shayfabbro May 11, 2012 at 9:08 am #

      Isn’t she hysterical??!!?? πŸ˜€

  7. Don Bueltmann May 11, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    I will never forget the picture of my mother running out of an outdoor privy with her panties hanging around knees after being threatened by an Arachnosaurus Lupus or maybe it was a Lycanthropasaurus.

    • shayfabbro May 11, 2012 at 10:36 am #

      HAHAHAHAHA! *falls off chair* Okay, now I hafta pee…better not be any spiders in the bathroom!!!!!

  8. Marcy Kennedy May 11, 2012 at 10:11 am #

    I followed this here from WANA1011 on Facebook, and I’m so glad I did. This story is absolutely hilarious. And you handled it with more poise than I would have. I would have been shrieking for my husband at the first sight of those giant hairy legs. I do NOT like spiders, especially ones that look like they could eat my cat.

    • shayfabbro May 11, 2012 at 10:37 am #

      I actually forgot he was even home!!! The terror of it all robbed me of my sanity…And this damn thing could have eaten a T-Rex

  9. Don Bueltmann May 11, 2012 at 11:17 am #

    This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I sat at breakfast grinning about it and my asked me what was so funny?

    • shayfabbro May 11, 2012 at 11:47 am #

      She will totally sympathize with me, won’t she?? πŸ˜€

  10. Mike May 16, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    *sniff*! I love spiders and was quite sad the poor little fellow got killed by a giant. Other than that, it was quite funny….

    Just yesterday, after stripping down to nothing so I could take a shower, I moved the curtains back found wolf spider looking back at me from near the drain. It was fairly large for being so early in the season and was pretty agitated at being trapped by the smooth walls of the tub. I always freeze a bit when I find one here (which is often in the warm months), but my freeze usually isn’t from fear- it’s from fascination. Spiders and other aracnids are just so cool.

    But I couldn’t let him drown or get smashed by my feet during my shower so I did what I always do: I grabbed my “aracno-catching-device” (the plastic lid off of a Gillette shaving cream can) and chased the little guy around the tub until he got tired and I scooped him up in the lid. Then I tossed him out of the tub and onto the floor and didn’t think about him again. That is until I read the post by the huge spider killing giant…

    • shayfabbro May 16, 2012 at 11:58 am #

      ROFLMAO!!!! Perhaps you should patent your arachno-catching-device. If it was big enough (like the size of a semi) I may consider trying to catch the little hairy bastard rather than gleefully squishing them into oblivion

      • Don Bueltmann May 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

        My wife always freezes them with super-hold hairspray it immobilizes them until we can summon the giant arachnosaurus killer.

        • shayfabbro May 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

          I need to try that one!! I bet I could train my cat to kill on sight…

          • hmcmullin May 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

            My Siamese loved spider snacks. She patrolled the house for them and if she saw one out of reach she’d come looking for me with a “hurry up, there’s a snack on the wall” demand.

        • hmcmullin May 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

          Great for spiders, but I tried it once with a big beetle that got in the house. BIG mistake. Turned the thing into a hard-shelled missile that richocheted off the ceiling and walls for about 5 minutes. I had to hide in the kitchen.

  11. Don Bueltmann December 8, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

    Shay I remembered this blog and had to reread it. It was as funny as the last time I read it. What a sense of humor.
    Don

    • drshaywest December 8, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

      Thanks Don πŸ™‚ I will never forget the experience, that’s for sure LOL

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