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There’s Nothing Wrong With NOT Wanting KIDS!


I have never wanted kids.

Ever.

No, seriously. Never had the mommy urge, never felt my biological clock ticking like this *stamps feet*.

I am completely 100% fine with my decision. I knew this about myself early on in life and took steps to protect myself from what I like to call the oopsy baby. My family knows this about me, friends, etc. I think kids are cute, sometimes gooey, fun, and best when I can give them back to mommy and daddy. I can get excited for other people when they have them, and can even do a mean baby shower.

This doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want KIDS! *pant pant*

I am writing this and sharing this with all of you because I feel that letting things fester inside isn’t healthy at all. Getting things out in the open is better. And this issue is something that I am SURE many other men and women will understand. Maybe my words can help save people the heartache of what I am now going through.

My husband of 11 years is leaving me because he apparently lied to me out entire marriage about NOT wanting kids. He married me, hoping I’d change my mind. Ummm…no. So Monday he tells me he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.

*insert shocked face*

It took till Tuesday for him to actually tel me why.

He can’t believe I won’t sacrifice and give him just one child.

*dramatic pause so all that sinks in*

Ummmm…WTF??!!??

I was literally so blown away by this that I turned and walked out of the room. My throat was locked up so tight I could barely breathe. Now I know what people mean by feeling like they have been sucker punched or kicked in the gut.

As I sat there on the bed, I literally felt any hope of reconciliation crumbling away. And truth be told, how can I even WANT to reconcile or try to work things out knowing he had lied to me for 10 years??!!??

Sorry folks, but there’s NO compromise when it comes to bringing a child into this world. This is a deal-breaker. He wants kids, I don’t. Period, end of story.

The thing that hurts worse??? I am getting bombarded with stuff from his family about trying to work it out, that Biblically speaking, this issue isn’t grounds for divorce (he emotionally cheated twice so excuse me that IS grounds for divorce *rolls eyes*), that wouldn’t I maybe just consider the idea of just one child??

HELL NO!

I don’t want kids. Period. End of story. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Why do others insist on making me out to be some kind of freak??? Not every person on this planet needs or wants to have a damn kid! It’s great if that is what others want but it isn’t what I want. Never have.

And hubby KNEW this going into the marriage. This sort of deception and his allowing the resentment and anger build up over 11 years is unacceptable and totally unfair. At this stage, I seriously feel like I wasted the last 11 years of marriage (accomplished a lot but I could have done it alone). The whole marriage was based on his lie. He didn’t really mean his vows. He only meant them if he could somehow change my mind later on down the road.

If anyone out there is in this same situation please, don’t have kids to please someone else! Whether that be a spouse, parents, friends, etc. If you feel strongly about that, stick to your guns. I’d rather be single for the rest of my LIFE than bring an unwanted child into this world just to keep a husband.

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37 Comments on “There’s Nothing Wrong With NOT Wanting KIDS!”

  1. livrancourt June 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    You know, my son’s godparents broke up over just this issue, and I’m so sorry it’s happening to you too. You’re right, though. There are some areas that are just black and white, and having kids is one of them. Hang in there, Shay. I’ll be keeping you in mind.

  2. Richard Monro June 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Wow, Shay, I can feel your hurt and pain all the way over here. 100% commitment is what marriage is supposed to be. To enter into marriage without full disclosure and complete truth means that the truth will be massively damaging when it does come out. Feeling for you!

  3. Emmie Mears June 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    Oh, my goodness, Shay, this makes me so angry on your behalf.

    Saying “have just one child for me” is like saying have just one military enlistment for me — if enlisting lasted your entire life and you were never discharged. Does he expect that you would just pop out a kid and he’d raise it himself?

    I honestly don’t know what to even think about that. Having kids is such a huge decision. I want them eventually, but not for a while still (for a long, long time I balked at the idea entirely). Like at least five years. Kudos to you for sticking to what you know to be true for yourself, and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

    Not wanting kids is every bit as valid a choice as wanting them.

  4. neyska June 14, 2012 at 1:03 pm #

    I am so sorry for you, but you have my support 100%. I never wanted kids and went into my marriage with that out in the open like you did. Lucky for me, my husband still seems to feel the same. I wish it would have worked out better for you, but I believe you are making the right choice.

    There is no good reason for bringing a child into the world unless you really, really want one. It changes your entire life and I’ve known people who resent their children because they had them for the wrong reasons. It is very sad.

  5. Monica Marie Bryant June 14, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

    Stand your ground girl!!! Kudos to you! Too many kids are brought into this wold “for someone else”. There are plenty of children (friends and family) out there that you can love and cuddle… and spoil 😉 I know of a beautiful little niece that I’m sure already gets alot of that! Thoughts and prayers are with you during your tough time right now….. It will get better!! ❤

  6. yuviuvi June 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    I have two kids but I feel so strongly that the issue of having kids should never ever be forced. Too many people blindly have kids feeling like it is what they are supposed to do but a life without a child should be treasured and respected just as much as a life with a child. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of relationships where one person has unspoken or unclear expectations of the other person regarding these family matters…

    Take care. My heart goes out to you…

  7. Kathryn Cheshire June 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    I was bought up expecting that I would have kids when I got married – as many and as quickly as possible. Eleven years after the birth of my eldest I am only now coming to the realization that I would probably have been very happy without kids if I hadn’t been bought up in that Catholic mindset. Having a baby is a lifetime commitment and whilst there is plenty of joy there is also a LOT of hardship and sacrifice that can only be outweighed if this is something you truly want and freely choose. I adore my three boys but I sometimes scare myself by being able to imagine a life without them. In six months my youngest starts school and I am becoming horrifyingly aware of how much I have sacrificed for the kids – willingly and with love and no regrets – but massive sacrifices nonetheless. I am now pretty much unemployable for any meaningful career without retraining and if I retrain and go back to work then I am calling on my family to make massive sacrifices for my sake – something that I have decided to go ahead and do because I owe it to myself (plus they damn well owe me for the last eleven years!)

    You owe it to yourself to stay true to yourself. Having a child to make someone else happy is madness. It will only lead to unhappiness and resentment. Plus, you can guarantee who is going to end up as primary carer – that’s right, the one who didn’t want kids! Whilst his feelings might have changed, yours haven’t. Its not right, fair, just or reasonable to ask that of someone who has been very clear throughout about not wanting children. Its not loving, and its not wanting the best for your spouse. Unfortunately, this is the kind of situation where there is an unbreachable impasse. You can’t just have half a kid, or a part-time kid. Its a huge commitment and if you aren’t ready to joyously embrace that then you need to stick to your guns.

    (((HUGS))) at this horribly painful time. But whatever you do, don’t EVER feel bad about remaining true to yourself!

  8. maria angela machado June 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    people just change idea. maybe it’s true tha he didn’t wanted kids when he married you. but now he wants… I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but when you decide something important like ‘I don’t want kids’ you’re allways alone…

  9. jamiebmusings June 14, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

    So sorry to hear this, Shay- My thoughts are with you. You should feel good about sticking to your decision if you feel that strongly about it.

  10. jlgentry June 14, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    Shay, this took some strength to share and thank you for that. There is so much to say, but I’ll focus on what I think is the fundamental. People don’t change. Do not go into a relationship hoping to change just one thing about your partner. It is such a terrible thing to do to someone. A union should be made with no conditions. Love them for who they are. I’ll leave it at that because my next comment would be about how foolish some men can be. Be strong!

  11. cpbialois June 14, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    Sorry to hear this Shay. I hope this passes as quick and painless as possible for you.

  12. Tami Clayton June 14, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    So sorry you’re going through this, Shay. What a tough thing to hear from your husband, even worse to be given guilt trips by the relatives. You’re obviously a very strong woman and standing up for yourself like you did is awesome. As many above have said, having kids is a HUGE thing that lasts our lifetime, not just the first 18 years that we’re raising them in our home. I personally know lots of women who have made and stuck to the decision of not having children. I also know some who had kids because it’s what they thought they “should” do. There’s no one-size fits all answer for everyone, that’s the beauty of choice. Supportive thoughts and energy sent your way…

  13. alberta June 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    with you all the way here – so sorry it has come to this but a child is not a rolex watch to give as a gift – they are a long time alive and not to be wanted must be the lonliest,sadest fates for a child – you were honest -you are honest still – hang on in there.

    I never wanted husband partner or children – it takes a bit of guts to withstand the pressure sometimes.

  14. Rabia June 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    I really don’t know what to say, except I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you during this difficult, hard time.

  15. Marjorie McAtee June 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

    Well, damn, that really sucks! I know what you mean about everyone acting like you’re a freak because you don’t want kids. I’m not married or anything so I just humor them. But you’re right about not comprising on this issue. This is a HUGE deal. It is THE HUGE DEAL. And your husband knew you felt this way before he decided to marry you, so it’s not your fault. Shame on him for assuming you’d “come to your senses” some day.

  16. shayfabbro June 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    Thanks for the support guys! I couldn’t get through this without you!!!!

  17. hmcmullin June 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    Sacrifice?? My God, its not like you’re discussing a puppy. I have a very good friend who married just out of college and didn’t want children, either, but was pressured into “just one.” After the baby was born she was so stressed they put the baby up for adoption, but the marriage broke up anyway. I never wanted kids, either, and was fortunate to marry someone who was older and also meant it when he said he didn’t want kids. Thankfully, we’re now beyond the age where people ask us “when?” or even ” how come?” Hold on to your convictions – I sense from your blogs that you are a strong person and can hang in there once the shock of betrayal and deceit wears off. And know that you have a lot of support out here.

  18. Rhonda Hopkins June 14, 2012 at 9:35 pm #

    I am so sorry for what you’re going through, Shay. I never wanted to be a mother either. I have nieces and nephews that I absolutely adore and I love spending time with them. I have spent the last 20 years advocating for other people’s children – their rights and safety. I love kids. I just didn’t want one of my own. And like you said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I always figured if I changed my mind, I could adopt. There are a lot of kids out there that need loving homes without bringing one into the world that you’re not sure you’re ready for. How horribly selfish of your husband to do this to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  19. shayfabbro June 14, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in this 🙂 And I applaud those of us that stuck to our guns and didn’t give in and bring a child into the world that we didn’t want!

  20. Lisa Nowak June 14, 2012 at 11:38 pm #

    I’m right there with you. I never wanted kids and knew this from about the age of ten. My mom always told me I’d change my mind. Nope. I love writing for teens, and I have a lot of compassion for them. Frankly, if I could give birth to a 12-year-old, I might reconsider. But the bottom line is, I value my time and freedom too much to take on that sort of responsibility, and more importantly, I would not cheat a child by inflicting him with a mother who couldn’t put him first in every way.

    I support you 100% on this and understand exactly why you can’t compromise. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

    • shayfabbro June 15, 2012 at 9:01 am #

      Eeekk! The visuals on giving birth to a 12 year old are giving me visions for a horror novel! 😀 LOL

  21. Sara Walpert Foster June 15, 2012 at 7:16 am #

    My heart is in my stomach. Obviously you made the right decision but I know you must feel so blown away and betrayed by it all. It sounds like you have a lot of wonderful in your life, so I hope you are able to immerse yourself in that as you deal with this.

  22. nrlymrtl June 15, 2012 at 8:16 am #

    Totally agree with you. You are not a freak for not wanting kids, nor the bad guy in this situation. And bringing unwanted children into a relationship sucks, for everyone, including the kids.

  23. Laird Sapir June 15, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    Oh, Shay, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Wish there were something I could do. I’m sending you loads of good thoughts and a big virtual hug, sister.

  24. Jamie DeBree June 15, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    Wow. I missed this post yesterday (saw today\’s, and then came over). I\’m so sorry that of all the issues to break up the marriage, this had to be the one for you. I can imagine how betrayed you must feel. My husband and I had the same conversation before we got married…with the understanding that if one of us ever did change our mind about having kids we\’d both be open to discussion, but there would be no children if the other party still didn\’t want them. Luckily, we\’re still on the same page and very happy without kids (and old enough it would be foolish/risky health-wise for all involved – including potential kids – to even consider it now).

    This isn\’t just about kids though (I\’m sure you know that all too well). It\’s about respect…he clearly doesn\’t respect your feelings and decisions as valid (as evidenced by his trying to change your mind so stridently) – and that\’s a much bigger issue that probably affects all aspects of your relationship, IMO. This is just where it blew up (understandably so – it\’s a life-changing decision).

    I\’m so sorry you\’re having to deal with this…my condolences

  25. darcytown June 15, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    That’s awful, but honestly it sounds like you’ll be better off. If he kept that in, god knows what else he kept in. I’ve wavered on the kids issue myself. I used to be a not wanting kids at all no matter what. Now I’m more towards the maybe side, still leaning towards no (especially when I see other people with their kids…that’s usually a deterrent). You’ll be better off without him, you sound like a damn strong woman.

    ~Darcy

  26. Rebecca Stanfel June 15, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    Hi Shay,
    I’m one of your WANA peeps, though this is my first time reading your blog. I just wanted to say that I really admire your courage and your fortitude to stick with what is right for you. I myself had a kid, but I totally understand that other people would choose not to. I know what it’s like to know something about myself deeply and fully, and not be willing to compromise. Good for you for sticking with what is true for you, though the high cost that is being inflicted on you by others totally sucks. Hang in there. Try and ignore the chatter from those like his family who clearly just don’t get it…and keep writing.

    Sending strength,
    Rebecca

  27. Elaine Smothers June 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, Shay but I admire your strength and conviction. I also knew from an early age, that I never wanted children. I guess to a lot of the world, that makes us ‘strange’, but I’ve never regretted my decision and know it was the right one for me. Some things are just not subject to compromise.

    Obviously, hubby is far more concerned about HIS feelings to the complete exclusion and invalidation of yours. I lived in the same kind of marriage for 13 years and it’s nothing short of miserable. May you find your escape as freeing and liberating as I did.

    Thoughts, prayers, and {{hugs}} for you.

  28. David Jones June 16, 2012 at 7:41 am #

    1st let me say that i do not blame you. 2nd, I am sorry what you are going through this, and 3rd he is not being totally honest if this came out in one day. I know many married couples where one of them did not want children. My son for one. Over the length of the marriages they all discussed this issue “many times.” One time and it results in divorce. Oh yeah … hello … whats her name … Sorry, but that just does not happen.

    Reality is what life is all about. The husband does not walk into the house one day and say give me a kid, the wife says no, and he says goodby. It just does not work that way.

    Sorry if I am being rude and crude, but that is how I see life. And I hate men that lie to their wives about the truth. They make the rest of us look bad.

    I have read almost all your post on your blog as they have been posted, and you sound like a great lady. Your husband sound like a total jerk.

    Stay true to your values.

  29. Janice Heck June 16, 2012 at 11:45 am #

    Shay, I’m just catching up on reading blogs…it’s been a very busy week. I can hardly imagine the shock of this situation and how you must feel. It surprised me and dismayed me…not for myself, but for the emotional tangles and knots you must be going through. You have been so encouraging to others that I hate to see you hurting in any way. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you unravel this situation. All my best to you, blogger friend.

  30. Eva Rieder June 18, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

    Shay! I am so sorry to hear this, and I do think this is a black and white/make or break issue with couples. I’m so sad that you’re going through it. I myself am with you on the no kids wishes—I’ve never had an urge to have a child, and I love my niece to pieces but also love the part where I give her back—and I cannot even begin to understand how someone can ask you to cave and give him a child. Yikes! Lots of well wishes and happy thoughts to you!

  31. Ellen Gregory June 19, 2012 at 6:41 am #

    Oh, Shay, I’m just catching up – how awful. I’m another woman who has never had that maternal urge, so I can totally relate to your sentiments. But how devastating. Hang in there xo

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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