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Now that I have your attention I must tell you a story that will scare the pants off you. If I were you, I’d curl up with a blanket, turn on every light in the house, make sure the motion sensor boogie man detector is fully functional, and prepare yourself for the fright of your life.


That was my Vincent Price laugh in case you didn’t catch that…

It was a dark and stormy night…

Wait, it was actually a pretty calm night, but it was night, black as the depths of the Marianas Trench…

Except for where we (me, my sisters, several friends) were sitting on my parents back patio playing cards or something. Can’t remember what exactly. The events to follow so thoroughly traumatized me that much of what occurred is but a blur.

Someone (probably me) was bitching and moaning about getting eaten alive my mosquitoes. My mom yelled out the window to turn the bug zapper on.

Well, der! Why didn’t I think of that?

Out to the inky blackness I trudge, away from the protective glow of the patio lights, to turn on the bug zapper that dangles from the clothes line.

I reached for the pull cord and just as my fingers felt the gossamer threads what I thought was the end of the pull string twitched

My memory becomes a little fuzzy at this point. I remember a lot of flailing, oodles of screaming, probably some shrieks and tears of terror pouring down my cheeks as I ran for the safety of the porch. My poor dad comes barreling out the back door, certain that I am being eaten my a grizzly bear or perhaps being ripped apart by a saber tooth tiger.

I must have managed to indicate the source of my hysteria because he grabs a flashlight and bravely heads off into the darkness.Β  When he got to the bug zapper, this is what he says…

“Damn! That’s a huge spider!”

I may have passed out at that time or something, I really don’t know. Perhaps my sisters can shed some light on this. I remember being in a meadow of long green grass, the sky was blue with no clouds, and butterflies were flitting about my head. In my beautiful world, there was, not had there ever been, a sign of an arachnid. There may have been lions and sheep lying together or something too. All I know is, I was warm and in bright light and there were no damn spiders.

After I came back to the real world, my mom and I walked out to the bug zapper. I don’t know what possessed me to do it. Fearful curiosity? Like when you can’t help but turn and look at a crash, scared about seeing someone hurt or dead, and yet no quite able to stop yourself from looking.

The offensive arachnid has built her web right under the bug zapper and her swollen bloated body was right next to the little pull string to turn the thing on. My mother praised the icky spider for being smart enough to build her web under the zapper.

Really? Really??!!?? She could have built her web at someone elses house under someone elses damn bug zapper. She could have built her friggin’ web in some other country where they have mosquitos the size of Volkswagens.

Bon apetit Ms. Spider!

But seriously, tell me you wouldn’t have freaked out if you’d nearly grabbed the body of this thing? And if my dad said it was a big spider, the damn thing had to have been the size of a small child or perhaps an elephant…

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14 Comments on “TGI….SPIDER!!!”

  1. neyska September 14, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    Haha! Great story. I love the web spiders around our place. They are such artists, but I must confess that I’m not fond of coming into physical contact with them. πŸ™‚

    I wish I’d taken a picture of the one that bit me in my room the other night. Now that was a spider. πŸ˜‰

    • shayfabbro September 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

      LOL Kind of glad you didn’t. I might have shat myself πŸ˜‰

  2. cpbialois September 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    HAHAHAHA!!! That’s great! Reminds me of a spider we that lived behind the outside mirror on the passenger side of the car. The wife was freaking terrified of it and they’d spend the entire time we drove somewhere staring at each other through the window. Every time Jamie would have me try to kill it, it’d crawl into the safety of the mirror well so I couldn’t get it. For some reason she was afraid to kill it herself. Not that I’m picking on her or anything. It’s just there’s nothing like watching a battle of wits like that. πŸ™‚

    • shayfabbro September 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

      ROFL!!!!! It’s sad when the spider wins

      • cpbialois September 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

        Definitely. She was convinced it could hear her whenever she told me it wasn’t hiding. It took about a month before I got him. We don’t know what kind it was, but he was brown, square shaped, and as big as my pinky nail. lol

        • shayfabbro September 14, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

          Spiders are too damn smart for their own good!!!

  3. Emmie Mears September 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    Hahahahaha! OH gods. I would have died. Kudos for getting me to click on a blog post that promised a spider picture.

    Last week there was a giant spider-on-top-of-toilet-roll picture circulating on Facebook, and I logged off for two days to avoid having to see it. *Shudder*


    • shayfabbro September 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

      I’ve seen that one!!!! Next week I’ll have to post the jumping spider mating dance video. Turns out, they actually have auditory stuff that scientists discovered. It’s creepy and yet I can’t NOT watch it. I am going to torture my students with it in lab class next week πŸ˜€

  4. Helen McMullin September 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    Oh, ick! I HATE catface spiders. We had them around our house and at our school when I was growing up. Some of them were huge. My reaction would have been just like yours! And there is no way I’m going to squish one of those things – it makes my skin crawl just thinking about that.

    • shayfabbro September 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

      Their bodies are so big and round!!!! *blergh* If I smashed one, I would probably throw up

  5. Jackie Jones September 15, 2012 at 5:22 am #

    *Screams in solidarity*. Not sure if I should thank you for sharing or not lols.

    • shayfabbro September 15, 2012 at 8:45 am #

      LOL I think the fear diminished somewhat if you can laugh about an encounter that nearly made you die from fright πŸ˜€

  6. violafury September 19, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

    Wow, Dr. Fab! The spider sagas continue! Neyska with her spider tales and now yours. I love hearing about them. What is it that’s so hysterical about all of this? I was on Twitter one night; like, when am I not? Somebody from College Humor posted this little short 12 second video. The title was something like “What Happens When You Film A Jumping Spider.” You got 2 seconds of spider, a jump from the spider at the camera, and then meaningless shots of the ceiling, bed and the floor, as startled camera person drops camera. I watched that thing 40 times and broke my laugh because of it. I had serious apoplexy over that stupid 12 second video. I spent 2 hours hunting for it the following day and couldn’t find it. I’m still quel sad over this tragic loss to humanity. Anyway, the great news I’ve come to share with you, Dr. Fab is this: you are one of my nominees for the Liebster Award. I’ve enjoyed your writing and love your blog. You can read all about it here at my blog, http://www.homelesschroniclesintampa.blogspot.com/2012/09/row80-last-day-64-liebster-award.html. This is for fun, but you surely deserve the prize. All bloggers and writers I meet are champions. Thanks for all the fun and sharing of your knowledge. Mary ❀

    • shayfabbro September 20, 2012 at 8:07 am #

      HAHAHA! I imagine that would be me, along with shrieks of terror rupturing eardrums! Thanks for nominating me for the award!

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