I’ve decided that I need to invent a machine that will take emotional turmoil and fast forward right the hell through it. Because I don’t want to deal with this anymore. Oh, I get it, going through life experiences makes you stronger, you’ll come out better on the other side, blah blah blah. I suppose I could also make a time machine and go back in time and stop this life change (aka divorce) from ever happening. Not sure what I would do yet but there has to be something.
I held myself together pretty good while I was still teaching. Can’t exactly fall apart when you have classes to teach. But now that finals are done and I’m home alone (my kitties are at his apartment in the hopes that it will help the house sell), I find myself unable to do much more than sit on the couch and cry. And watch something mindless on TV.
At this point I’m not even sure exactly what I’m crying about. Everything is such a jumble. I re-run the past events, wondering what I could have done differently to keep him from leaving. When the answer is to go back to the way things were, I get sad again because I don’t necessarily want that. I wish we could go back to the time before the anxiety and depression and religion changed the man I fell in love with to someone I hardly recognize. It’s still his face and I know that he’s inside, hidden deep beneath a lifetime of hurt and regrets.
But where does that leave me? I can’t make him change. I can’t make him start treating my family with respect and love again, I can’t change his mind about his interpretation of the Bible and how I’m not a good enough Christian wife for him (because I refused to go along with a decision I still feel was a bad one), I can’t change hearing the words he spoke to me in front of our counselor that he expects me to ask him for money (we’ve had separate accounts since last year) and that he expects me to take care of the house because I work fewer hours than he does. I can’t change any of that or pretend like it didn’t happen or get his voice out of my head as he’s saying these things.
Then the what if’s start. What if he didn’t really mean those things? What if the depression made him push me away? What if he would have chosen to stay rather than pack his bag and leave?
The dreams aren’t helping either. I woke up crying this morning from a vivid dream. I was at his new apartment visiting the cats when we just started having a normal conversation. He looked at me and said that he missed that and tentatively reached for my hand. I told him that he didn’t have to leave me that Friday almost a month gone now. He grabbed me in an embrace that was so familiar and comforting and cried. He said he never meant anything he said. The scene switched and he was on his knee giving me my ring back and promising me that things would be different this time.
So was this dream a sign from God that I should try to reconcile? Or just a figment of my own loneliness and wish to get back to the way things were? Do other women have dreams like these that they don’t want to wake up from? Where does reconciling end and being a doormat begin? Could I ever really trust him? I’m not sure anymore. My family wouldn’t approve of a reconciliation this time around, that’s for sure. Do I abandon them for something that is probably not even real? All I keep thinking is, okay so we seek counseling again and then what? What will the reason be for his leaving this time? Last year it was because he married me hoping I would change my mind about having kids and I never did, causing a lot of resentment and regret on his part. So now it’s him throwing Scripture in my face that I’m supposed to submit to him. What would next year bring? The year after that? Is that what a marriage is supposed to be, one spouse wondering when the other will leave again?
It’s fairly obvious that I’m just not cut out for the relationship thing. This is just another in a long line of failures, it just happened to last a 12 year stretch. Kind of hard to say that there’s something wrong with all the guys in the past. The only thing in common is me. Maybe this is a message from God that I need to be alone don’t deserve to be happy in a marriage.
Yeah, so I really need to get to work on the emotional fast forward machine.