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The Blame Game


This will probably be a touchy topic for some people but it’s one that has weighed heavily on my mind and I just have to speak my mind about it.

I remember when my now ex and I had a huge fight after I found out he had been in touch with his ex-girlfriend behind my back, going so far as to get a Facebook page where she was his only friend until I confronted him about it, then he found other people to add. Once I forbade him from having contact with her, the Facebook profile was deleted. Anyway, a few months later he confessed that he had cheated on me a second time with some girl he picked up at the Greeley Stampede rodeo. He says there wasn’t any intercourse but in my book, what he did was still cheating.

With both of them. Now here comes the kicker…

Several people pointed out to me that marriage is 50/50 and that I had to look at the part I played in my husband’s decision to cheat on me.

*cue shocked face*

I realize that no one is perfect, least of all me. I have no issues looking at myself in the mirror and admitting my faults, because believe me I have a LOT of them. However, I absolutely do not agree that each issue that comes up in a relationship can instantly be attributed to both people. I may not be perfect but I damn sure didn’t deserve to be cheated on. It seems to me that when one spouse cheats and gets to throw up his hands and say “Well, what I did was part way your fault” you are causing all sorts of problems.

First of all, where is the responsibility in being able to push of blame? When does a spouse have to stand up and say. “Wow, you know what, I was going through some stuff and I was a complete jerk/ass/bitch and did you wrong and I’m sorry”. If there’s no fault there can be no sincere apology and moving forward.

And let’s not forget the most serious consequence of all to everything in marriage being 50/50 and therefore all decisions that one spouse makes is half attributed to the other: it basically means that we have to be perfect every second of every day to keep our spouse loyal and faithful and satisfied or else they may stray but it will be half our fault if they do.

Ummm…no.

That is WAY too much pressure for me to handle. For anyone to handle. It just makes me shake my head in bewilderment. I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I try. And to be honest, I don’t really want to. I want to be able to be childish, angry, selfish, prideful, etc and have my spouse STILL adore me in spite of all that. I deserve better than to be merely dealt with/put up with/endured. I think all of us can agree with that last statement, yes?

What one person chooses to do or not to do is their decision. It’s not fair to make a shitty decision that hurts someone you are supposed to love and cherish and then push blame on the one you hurt. It’s just not okay. And you know the funny thing? Is the same people who say, “Well, you know, each of you has a part to play in his indiscretion” are the same people that will pat you on the back and say “It’s not YOU, it’s HIM.”

Explain to me how that can be. How can it be HIM if I supposedly share half the blame? Doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me. So when the going gets tough, make a better decision than cheating or leaving your spouse or whatever. Once you make a decision, it’s yours alone and there’s no going back. And if you DO make a decision that ends up being the wrong one or hurts your spouse deeply, at least have the cojones to  accept the consequences and not blame someone him/her.

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5 Comments on “The Blame Game”

  1. mkempher June 7, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

    Cheating is about the ego of the cheater, it’s rarely if ever about the spouse. Possibly, if the spouse is unable to have sex, that might drive the other spouse to cheat, that’s different. But under normal circumstances, I don’t blame the spouse.

  2. Christy June 7, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    Shay, I too was “cheated” on and there is NEVER any justification or fault of the other spouse for the cheating. It is completely the decision of the cheater. Your blog is awesome. Dr. Phil would agree with your blog completely! If someone is that unhappy in their marriage that they think they may turn to another person outside of the marriage, then they need to divorce their spouse BEFORE doing that, and if not, then it’s cheating! Saying that the other spouse played a part in being cheated on is ridiculous and I love your analogies in your blog 🙂

    • shayfabbro June 7, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

      Awwww, thanks Christy! 🙂

    • Cindy Crites Judy June 7, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

      I agree with this as well. It is always the same story it is your fault you didn’t do this or that.. I also love your analogies..

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