I attended church for the first time in a few weeks. Church used to be something the ex and I did together. We’d hold hands and sing worship songs and he’d snuggle me under his arm during the sermon. And now that’s gone. As is everything else in our past, present, and future we had planned together. I had a hard time holding it together during the sermon. Even though my ex has hurt me beyond belief, I missed him, his presence sitting next to me in the pews.
A wise friend told me that I am still obviously going through the stages of grief (this doesn’t just pertain to death). It’s only been 3 months since he left. Not nearly enough time to move on and be fine with the world. I googled the stages of grief and read through them to see where I am in the 5 stages:
1) Denial– this first stage is what helps us to deal with the loss. I couldn’t exactly deny what my husband had done. So I may have skipped this one. Or maybe in divorce the denial takes on a different form.
2) Anger-I’m obviously in this stage. I am angry at him, God, his friends and family for telling him that he’s not a bad guy (this is all in my head. I have no idea what his friends and family have told him). It seems all I feel is anger at the entire situation. How DARE he believe I’m not good enough to be his wife?!? (okay, it’s obvious that I have anger)
3) Bargaining-trying to make a bargain with God (or whoever) that if they intervene and stop it from happening, you will be a good girl/boy. I admit I did this the first weekend he left. I prayed that if he would only come crawling back saying he didn’t mean it, that I’d be the best darn wife/Christian/person on the planet. Obviously didn’t work. which sort of makes me think that in certain situations (like divorce), these steps aren’t in order.
4) Depression-crushing sadness at the loss of your loved one and wondering why we even go on. If you think about it, divorce is the same as losing a loved one. Several loved ones actually if you consider the family members that you no longer see or have contact with. I am sort of going through this one but it’s not bad enough that I need medication or anything. I just wonder at the futility of it all: trying to find someone to spend your life with only to find out 13 years later that they didn’t want to be with you as much as you wanted to be with them. And is it worth it to cultivate a relationship if it can end so abruptly?
5) Acceptance-I’m definitely not at this stage yet. Not even close. And probably won’t be for a long time. And this is perhaps the hardest thing of all. I WANT to be at this stage. Like right now. I want to be fine and dandy and ready to flirt with the next man who will adore me and actually MEAN it when he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I know I’m not ready to think about a relationship yet but part of me fears that this divorce from the man I thought was my soul mate and best friend has ruined any chance another man has of ever reaching my heart. At this moment in time, I am certain I will die old and alone with only my cats as company. I can’t imagine ever being able to let another man into my heart. And that is what really frightens me. That I will allow this divorce to change my true nature.