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Hold On Or Let Go?


I’m writing this post on little sleep and heavy emotions so just bear with me folks.

Last night I was playing Rock Band with my sis and brother-in-law (which was totally fun, by the way!). She picked a No Doubt song to sing. It was Don’t Speak.

The singer begs her man to don’t speak the words that will end their relationship because it just hurts too bad.

I can relate to that.

But it is really better to stick your head in the sand and pretend like everything is okay? When do you know the time to stop fighting and start accepting? How do you know when to fight and not give up?

My ex has made it pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. So what good would it do for me to keep fighting when he’s given up? A relationship can’t be one-sided. Seems like it would be an ego boost for him and an exhausting and worthless waste of time for me. And yet I can’t help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had refused to let him leave, if I insisted on more/different counseling, if I kept pestering him, told him I’d never give up even if he did, told him I’d love him forever, blah blah blah.

Nothing I could have or could choose to do will change the plain and simple fact: he doesn’t want me.

God, typing those words still cuts like a knife. But it’s the truth: He. Doesn’t. Want. Me. And he never will. No matter what I do or what I say. And that’s the shitty truth of it all that I have to face. Oh, it might hurt less if I pretend there’s some glimmer of feeling for me in his cold, black heart but all I’m doing is prolonging my healing.

We always hope that when we find that special person that they will return the feelings but the fact is there are times (probably more often than not) when the other person is simply settling, perhaps thinking that you are the best they can get or that you are okay for now but in their mind they have already given themselves a way out by knowing they will leave you some day when they get tired of you.

But it isn’t as easy for the one that actually loves unconditionally to let go so quickly. We take the good with the bad so even when we are treated like crap, the feelings are still there.

Or maybe it’s because I tend to see the good rather than the bad. My ex only saw doom and gloom everywhere he looked. So he could never look past my faults to see my good qualities. He fixated on the negative for so long he ended up hating me by the end. But even though I am angry and hate my ex for throwing me away like a piece of trash, I still remember the good times. I see something cool and think to myself, “He would have thought that was neat.” Believe me, I can’t wait until I can shut that voice up for good. Because until that happens, I’ll never be ready to let someone else in.

So for this girl, I am smart enough to realize that holding on is en exercise in futility. And I refuse to lessen who I am just to keep a man.

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5 Comments on “Hold On Or Let Go?”

  1. kvictoriasmith August 3, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    So I typed out a comment, forget my password and in retrieving it lost the first version of this.
    I know what you are going through. After years of feeling invisible in my marriage and shouting it from the mountaintops (refrained from the 2×4), I asked to end the loneliness. Of course then I was all he wanted and loved, but after over 25 years, I could smell the panic and fear. The divorce was amicable.

    During the course of it he admitted that he hadn’t been truly committed to the relationship. Which was interesting because a longtime mutual friend had, about that time, asked if he had ever loved me. Now to my knowledge he was always faithful, as befitting his image. I think he enjoying the role of good father, good provider with a nice house to entertain in. He was more about how others saw him.

    When I became me (again? Did I get lost for awhile?), he wasn’t there for me. I finally said that if I was going to feel this alone I might as well be alone.

    It’s scary sometimes, but I am finding new friends, closer connections to old, lost a few along the way and maybe, just maybe, someone who appreciates and values me for me.

    It is a journey and even an adventure.

  2. Newbeginning2day August 3, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

    I am going thru a very similar situation in that I have gone through a horrible few months since my husband left me for another woman and ultimately separating. Every day I go through a range of emotions from missing him and wishing he would change his mind to feeling determined to let go. Today has been a hard day especially since I have been home alone all afternoon & evening while my son has been with his friend. I sit here and just brew with anger that he threw me away like garbage too and is off playing with his whore while I’m left all alone. I’ve had a hard time because I don’t have anyone to hang out with or do things with. Most people who are supposedly my friends don’t call me and no one invites me to do anything even though everyone knows my situation. It’s a horrible feeling to know that there is no one at all that wants you around. And this is because my husband decided that his life is no longer good enough for him. I just hope that this isn’t how my life will be from now on. I keep hoping to see things change but its obviously a slow process. Good for you to feel positivity in such a difficult situation.

    • drshaywest August 3, 2013 at 10:20 pm #

      I’ve been terribly lonely as well. Without my family, I don’t know what I would do. I spend most days and nights alone and that’s a bad place to be sometimes. Because when we are alone with our thoughts, the wheels start spinning and the rollercoaster ride begins 😦 If you ever need to chat or vent, just email me at drshaywest@gmail.com or find me on Facebook if you are on there (https://www.facebook.com/DrShayWest). I will pray for you and I know things will get better eventually. We just have to get through this emotional rough stage before our hearts can fully heal.

  3. kvictoriasmith August 4, 2013 at 7:22 am #

    Yes please feel free to reach to me as well at seanchai.ciorstag@gmail.com. The loneliness is the hardest part. It is different from being alone. NB2, I know that it feels awful that old friends avoid you. I have lost some along the way. But it is NOT because of anything you did, but most likely their own inability to handle what happened to you. People feel discomfort in these situations for many reasons that are uniquely their own: personal history (perhaps parents went thru similar situation), not knowing what to say so say nothing, their own insecurities about their relationships. Some may get through that and reach out again.Shay and NB@, look to your interests and find events and places where you are comfortable going. It won’t be easy but will be worth it. I had enough acquaintances and a friend or two in the local music scene where I could go out to listen to music, interact with people and for a bit get out of my own head.

    Most of all, as you can see, we are not alone. Hugs!

    • drshaywest August 4, 2013 at 9:08 am #

      Thanks you so much for that 🙂 I am excited to get back to teaching again this fall. Being off for a summer all alone was so hard.

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