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Alone With My Thoughts

Had an amazing opportunity to meet a fellow writer and friend, Christina Esdon, in Denver Monday before her flight back home to Canada. I took off Sunday afternoon and drove the four hours to my sister’s house in Littleton. And that’s when it hit me…

People going through emotional turmoil shouldn’t be alone in the car for four hours. *sigh*

Even with awesome music blaring and having to focus on driving through torrential downpours most of the way, my brain Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Thinking. Normally this isn’t a bad thing. I think of what I’m going to be teaching the next day, new story ideas, working through plot lines, going through dialog in my head. But since the divorce, all I can think of is the life I wanted so badly now flushed down the toilet. Being alone with one’s thoughts can sometimes really suck.

Seems like all I do is think about what could have been, what SHOULD have been, if only my ex had been a truthful, non-judgmental, loyal, loving husband. My happily ever after didn’t include cheating and negativity directed at me and my family every waking minute of every day, and it certainly didn’t include two separations, the last of which finally ended in divorce. I try to imagine what the future will bring but I get swept back into the maelstrom of negative and unhappy thoughts that strive to make sense of all this…CRAP that my life has now become. That’s not to say that there haven’t been moments of happiness thrown in these last few months but as soon as I am alone with my thoughts once again, the swirling downward spiral starts up again.

You know the one I mean. You start imagining your ex with someone else and you want to find a sharp object and stab them in their cold. black heart. You picture them talking about you and laughing at how easy it was to keep you hanging on. A scene enters your mind of how you would react should you run into your ex with his new woman and exactly what you would say to just rip them to shreds and make them feel like pieces of shit which is exactly how your ex made YOU feel when he walked away without a single glance back. Maybe you even imagine him coming crawling back and you let him have it, listing every single reason why you would never in a million years allow him back in your life and walk away while he sits there blubbering in a pile of useless man-flesh. Then there’s the confrontation with his family or perhaps his friends, asking how you can be so mean to poor little innocent ex who was just trying to be happy and isn’t that what we all deserve. So you lay into them and remind them that Mr. Saint isn’t as innocent as he makes out to be and you explain in detail everything they did to cause you unimaginable hurt and you delight as you watch their faces fall when they realize that their perfect angel is really a devil in disguise. My personal favorite is the one where you catch the ex in an all out lie and get to watch them squirm while you reveal the truth of who they really are to their new flame, friends, whatever. They have to finally stand and take responsibility for their actions.

Yeah, so being alone with your thoughts really sucks when going through a divorce. There’s just this endless parade of self-bashing, self-doubting, ex-bashing, ex-hating that goes on and on like a bad record. I really can’t wait until I get to the point where I can go a whole day without even thinking about him. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I wish him all the best. All I can see for now is indifference. I know that if I ever REALLY run into him I will simply ignore him and wish I had the courage to say what I really think of him right to his face rather than doing it here in this blog.

Not that it would matter anyway. He doesn’t care about me or what I think. So ignoring is obviously the best solution. Just walk away like I don’t even know him. And slowly, but surely, these bad feelings will fade into nothing. Not friendship, not caring about him or what he does, not his well-being. Just…nothing.


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5 Comments on “Alone With My Thoughts”

  1. Christina Esdon August 8, 2013 at 10:58 am #

    *hugs* Being alone with your thoughts that way certainly must have made the road trip longer. Just know even when you’re alone, lots of people are here for you and love you.

    • drshaywest August 8, 2013 at 11:00 am #

      Thanks honey!!!! Getting to see you made the trip TOTALLY worth it 😀 And Cheyenne Mountain Zoo of course 😉

  2. Susan August 8, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    You NEED to start dating and NOW!!! Get with it, Lady! Even if it is just simple platonic-type hanging out or in groups, JUST DO IT. Wash your damn hands of that jerk and SERIOUSLY wish him well, be glad that he is gone and STOP wondering what ifs. What ifs are everywhere and don’t do a damn bit of good – what if you won the lottery, what if that car turned a second slower, what if the sun burned out, what if Yellowstone blew, what if you invented the cure to all cancers. Forget the what ifs and just do it. Yeah, it is hard, but so totally worth it. Been there, done that. Every fourth woman in this country has an ex that ♫ “dun her wrong” ♪ and we all have to learn to forget it. So just start a conversation with some guy (at your job, the grocery store, church, walking your cat, in line at the fast food joint) (about a movie, the weather, your cat, your job, his job, his car, his tattoo, something in his grocery cart) and see what happens. ♥

    • drshaywest August 8, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      Dating is the last thing on my mind right now. I’m not ready and it wouldn’t be fair to any man I meet to jump into something.

  3. Susan August 9, 2013 at 2:44 am #

    JUST DO IT!! I wasn’t ready, either, but it worked! Trust me, would I lie to you?!?!?

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