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The Harsh Realities of Dating


After my divorce, I swore off men forever. They were no good, cheating, lying a-holes that weren’t to be trusted. Who needed them? Certainly not me. I was able to buy my own adorable house, pay my bills, and as for the sex thing…well, let’s just say that I don’t exactly need a man for that either  😉

Cue to recent times. Started feeling the loneliness that comes from time spent alone and sort of thinking that dating someone might be kind of fun. You know what I mean. The anxiety and excitement of that first contact, even if it just via messaging at first. It’s funny how aroused someone can become just by receiving a romantic and sexy text message, even if you’ve never met them in real life. The anticipation of the first face-to-face meeting. Sharing glances and light touches. The first kiss. Waiting eagerly to see if he’ll call or text. The second date, then third, hopefully culminating in something amazing.

Back in my 20’s, people met other people through work or hobbies or mutual friends. You hung out with a group then soon started doing things alone and before you know it, you’re a couple. It was nice because you could suss someone out prior to putting yourself out there, see what their interests are, do you get along, have similar goals, etc. The flip side of this is that if things don’t go well, things can get awkward for the group with one of you maybe not hanging out anymore.

The thing to do now is online dating. I don’t even think that was around when I was in my 20’s. But it’s all the rage now. Everyone’s doing it. So I figured, why not give it a try? People recommended things like Plenty of Fish and OKCupid because they are free (I dig free) so I made my profile, filling out all about me, answering a slew of questions, figuring out which pictures to add. My deal breakers are: no kids, whether grown or not, no smoking, no drugs, and no long distance. It’s hard enough to work on a relationship without adding someone who isn’t around to the mix. With a mixture of trepidation (I’d heard the horror stories of online dating sites) and anticipation, I sat back to see who messaged me.

*sigh* Most of the messages I got were of the inappropriate type (at least for someone you don’t know LOL). Those quickly got blocked. I actually chatted with one guy from PoF for many months that was a great match (no kids, no interest in having any, my age, into antiques, claimed he liked independent women, etc), but he only wanted a warm body to screw every now and again (couldn’t even be bothered with going out on a date or anything) so I cut off that contact. There was one other guy that seemed promising, but after messaging about  meeting face-to-face, I never heard from him again.

When the only other matches on OKCupid and PoF were guys with kids I gave up on those free sites. I was obviously going nowhere. I changed my tactics and tried Match.com. My rationale? Guys that were interested in dating would be willing to pay a little to find someone. I thought for sure Match would have some better prospects.

Wrong.

Every single guy that I was matched with had kids or wanted them. Talk about a bummer. Rather than go past the free days, I cancelled my account. What’s the point of keeping it? I searched for men around my age and all of them either had kids or wanted them.

Don’t even get me started on CraigsList. I went on their Missed Connections link to see if I could find a hot guy I’d briefly talked to at the movie theater and wished I’d talked to more. I noticed the Casual Encounters link and out of curiosity, I clicked it.

Yikes! As if the pictures of genitals wasn’t bad enough, a LOT of the postings were from men who were married but wanted to screw someone on the side. Many even mentioned the sex becoming a “regular thing”. You’re basically saying you want to have an affair, sleazeball. Just come right out and call it what it is. As someone who’s been cheated on, this behavior sickens me. What if you bring home a lovely STD to your wife? Or you get the lady pregnant? If things aren’t working out at home, then either fix it, or leave. Cheating is the most despicable behavior and there’s no way to justify it.

So what does this mean for me? It feels like I’m doomed to be alone. If I ever get lucky enough to find a man that I’m attracted to that doesn’t have kids, he’ll probably want to screw someone else anyway. What’s the point of even trying?

Dating sucks, especially if you can’t even find someone to do that one simple thing with.

What about you? What are some of your dating stories? I’d love to hear from you, good or bad!!

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5 Comments on “The Harsh Realities of Dating”

  1. Sally Ember, Ed.D. August 5, 2015 at 6:04 pm #

    So sorry, Shay! I have some doozies of losers I met online going back to 2004. Gave it up about three years ago.

    Hugs

    Sally

  2. Susan Walczyk August 5, 2015 at 10:37 pm #

    Boooooo to the Match.com thing.. I am one of the people who suggested it!! Dating is hard as you already know, but the person who is right will come at the right time. Don’t give up!! You have so much to offer and you truly deserve so much! Maybe the age old adage, “when you stop looking love will find you” could help!!
    As far as experience with internet dating is concerned, I met a couple of cool dudes on okcupid and had a few dates..One guy after 3 months went to visit his ex and her kids and didn’t see the issue there (they were not his and she had just broken up with their dad).. another guy on okcupid was a total sociopath.. too much to type but if you want I’ll pm you.. craziness!! I did meet my husband (diamond in the rough) on Match.com and he is great! No sweeping off the feet or anything, like they show on the commercials, but I never expected that.. He’s just a normal, cool guy.. and I think that when the time is right, you are going to meet a normal cool guy too!!!

    • drshaywest August 6, 2015 at 6:42 am #

      I had a lot of people suggest Match LOL I think my biggest deal breaker is the no kids thing 😦 It’s going to be tough to find a guy my age that doesn’t already have them.

      OkCupid has given me one match with someone that doesn’t have kids but the % isn’t very high (like in the 50’s) so I’m not holding out to much hope for this site either

  3. Inion N. Mathair August 7, 2015 at 10:31 pm #

    Hi Shay: So sorry we’ve been ghosts as of late. As I said a while back. Between our year off to write our book and Inion’s cancer bout we’ve been juggling chainsaw’s. lol But we’re back in the blogosphere and re-visiting our fav haunts; yours being one!! ok…on to your post. Love, love, love it!!! And I’ll tell you why. My poor, daughter is going through the same thing.
    We’ve been in and out of her Ob/Gyn’s for the past year & 1/2 & hospital twice where they finally took out a piece of her cervix. According to her doctor, she’s cancer free….for NOW.
    My 29 year old daughter is single; never been married; no kids. And we’re hoping this hasn’t ruined her chance. It hasn’t for now, but if they have to take anymore….well, you get the idea.
    She’s so lonely. She wants so badly to find a man who will appreciate the same things she does. And who can love her for who she is. But apparently there’s a shortage of GOOD men. The ones that aren’t drug addicts or completely ignorant and by ignorant I mean, can’t carry on a basic conversation. “Hi what’s your name?” (lol ) are deviants. Married, players, jerks that are looking for a midnight, “booty-call” or as they like to call it these days “friends with benefits” relationship. My poor daughter it seems will be doomed to a life of solitary confinement. lol 😉 I don’t get it. She’s beautiful, college educated, accomplished. A hard worker, who hold’s two jobs plus a published author and more importantly, she has a beautiful soul!!! Desperate to help her, I signed her up for a dating website. What did we find? Freaks, sexual perverts and a couple I was sure were serial killers. lol So, she’s done. She told me the other day, I guess I’m not meant to meet “Mr. Right”
    I feel so badly for women like you and Ginger Brooke who deserve nothing but the best but can’t seem to find it. Strong, passionate, beautiful, intelligent women that seem to be overlooked or wasted on a sea of idiots!! Perhaps I’ll start doing what my Italian Mother-in-law used to for her daughter….lighting candles and praying to St. Valentine. lol Loved this post and sharing it with Ging now!!! 😉 xo

    • drshaywest August 8, 2015 at 7:54 am #

      I’ll be praying for her and your mom ❤ It's so frustrating to continuously hit a wall when it comes to finding someone decent, that you're attracted to, that is intelligent, that doesn't mind a woman speaking her mind or being successful, that's okay with her having her own things she likes to do. And with men seeking sex elsewhere (even when they're married!!!!), it makes me doubt that I'll ever meet someone. Everyone I know keeps telling me to "Stop trying. When you stop looking he'll come" but I don't know if I believe that. Things just don't magically happen; you have to work at it. And we can't meet people by sitting around and just hoping he'll stumble across us.

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